Almost exactly a year ago, I went on a first date with someone who later became my boyfriend. Half a year later, he became the first person to ever break up with me. On the phone. Whilst I was abroad. And still later decided to stay at my cousin’s apartment behind my back …long story.
Today, as my choir and I had a spontaneous “after choir beer”, just as if the universe wanted this to happen, we stumbled upon that guy. At a bar right across the restaurant where we had our first date a year ago. On a date. With another Asian girl.
This is the second time I’ve stumbled upon him since we broke up. Last October, as I was on a double date with a friend (who had funnily enough also dated him before), my friend saw him and told me. At first glance however, somehow, my adrenaline fight-and-flight response kicked in, and I ran away with my heart beating out of my chest. Everything he did to me came back all at once. The person I thought I had forgotten was back. All of a sudden, my date stopped being the center of my attention. Which was too bad because he was pretty hot. But today however, this was not the case.
As we came in the bar, the same friend who I was on a double date with, recognised him again and told me. How did I reply? I told my friend that we should go over and say hello. Naturally. Yes, I was shocked myself when I heard those words come out of my mouth.
After getting over the awkwardness of us two friends saying hello to the same guy we both dated before we knew each other, he and I had a quick catch up, until his date came back from the bathroom. I then returned to my friends having the best feeling in the world.
I was overwhelmed. I was filled with sudden inexplicable joy. I even told my choir leader the story. And everyone else at the table for that matter. I could now be indifferent to someone who used to have a big control over my emotions.
When we were together, I must admit, I was not in a very good place mentally. When I saw him, it reminded me of that. But today, I realised I am no longer that girl I was when I was with him. I saw how far I’ve come without him, and how much stronger I’ve become.
Seeing him gave me closure over the negative things that had happened last year. Even though he wasn’t the reason behind it all, he was a big part of my life back then. Facing him and being completely okay about it, was like facing the causes of all my anxieties in the past, realising that they don’t control me anymore. It was like facing the dragon, and slaying it. Yes they happened, yes I felt terrible, but that’s okay. Life happens sometimes. I accept that they happened in the past, but that’s where they belong, in the past. I’ve moved on. And I’m pretty damn proud of that.
I’ve let go of the past, and am looking forward to the future. Starting over once again – new city, new people, new life. I guess it’s true what they all say then, new year, new me.